An Open Letter to the Secratary of State

cc: President G.W. Bush, White House

Dr. Rice:

I'll go.

I will go to Iraq to fill the diplomatic mission there.

I have read reports lately that some in the diplomatic corps have been openly refusing to serve in Iraq, despite their oath of office. As one dissenting "patriot" once said: "Screw 'em".

I'll go to Iraq, for as long as it takes. And I'll re-up for the coming "reconstruction" in Iran, as well.

As far as my resumé Curriculum Vitae is concerned: it is obvious that I have no experience or training in formal diplomacy. Please allow me to address these issues point by point, surely you'll see that the appearant "negatives" are in fact positive points to our mutual favor.

Although I have no documentable "diplomatic" experience, upon closer inspection you'll see that I have 15+ years of experience in the Stupid (Automotive) Business. Daily, I have to deal with a customer whose language I do not speak, and whose customs and practices are completely incomprehensible. Iraq will be a piece of cake compared to the daily crap of which I currently am obliged to put up with.

As I sit amongst my collegues in the Stupid Business, within earshot of my small but tiny cube, I am exposed to a veritable cornacopia of languages including (but not limited to) Japanese, Hindi, Spanish, Korean, British English, Hindi (the other kind), Mandirin Chinese, Russian, Polish, one of the other Chinese dialecs. There's even one joker speaking French (I am not making that up). Beyond that, I have limited language skills: I can speak several variants of English, passible Texican Spanish; and I can order a beer and inquire as to the whereabouts of the restroom and generally be polite in half a dozen languages.

I do not hold a Degree from an Ivy League college, so don't worry, I didn't drink the Kool-Ade. I earned a BBA from a large, midwestern University (that's going to lose to Ohio State on Saturday).

Having 8 year old twin daughters and a 3 1/2 year old son, I have "mad skilz" in the conflict management / mediation department, along with the patience of Job.

As I have worked in the Dearborn, Michigan area for nearly five years in the past, I have a profound affection for Middle Eastern food. I can easily "go native" as far as culinary issues are concerned. I can even make hummus all by myself!

Upon a thorough examination of my education and experience, Dr. Rice, I'm sure you'll see that I am perfectly suited for the diplomatic mission in Iraq / Iran, unlike the panty-waist Foggy Bottom wankers who are resisting your direction and neglecting their Oaths of Office.

Call me?

Michael