Get ready: How the media will spin Kerry
and Chimp on thedebate
Don't be surprised! Here's how the media
will cover Kerry's and Chimp's debate performance:
Kerry:If he's serious, they'll say he's
glum, gloomy, pessimistic, and uninspiring.
If he's jovial, they'll say he's
phony and trying too hard.
Chimp:If he's serious, he's,
presidential, the war-time commander in chief.
If he's jovial, everybody
wants to have a beer with him.
Kerry:If he's forceful, they'll say he's
too aggressive, mean, negative, desperate.
If he's calm, they'll say he's
weak, unsteady, dull, lacks energy.
Chimp:If he's forceful, he's strong,
If he's calm, he's prepared, on-message, disciplined,
Kerry:If he's specific, they'll say he's
wonkish, presenting "laundry lists," being overly-intellectual, show-offy, and
nobody likes the smart kid.
If he's not specific, they'll say he's vague,
criticizing but not offering solutions, not addressing the issues, and nobody
knows who he is.
Chimp:If he's specific, he "lays out his
plan" and "makes his case."
If he's not specific, he's spanning the issues,
giving a global presentation, painting a broad outline of his plans.
Kerry:If he jokes, they'll say he lacks
gravitas, trivializes important issues, doesn't understand troops are in harm's
way, nation's at war, disrespects the president, etc.
If he doesn't joke,
they'll say he needs to lighten up, he's too stoney, he's wooden.
Chimp:If he jokes, he's a man of the
people, a regular guy, people relate to him.
If he doesn't joke, he truly
cares about the American people and his sincerity resonates with voters in this
Plus, if he finds his podium and doesn't
trip on his way to it, he's surpassed all expectations. (Extra points for
correct pronunciation of "Abu Ghraib" or "nuclear.")